HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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