I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
