I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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