There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
