nut hugger
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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