Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
