I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
