All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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