when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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