so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
