i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
