I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
