and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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