Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
