You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
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They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
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Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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