I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
