sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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