if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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