i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
