dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
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