so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
