u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
