I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
