I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
