I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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