After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I want to fling myself into the sun
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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