I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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