shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
