Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
