i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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