My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
