So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
