I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
