Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
