I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
