hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
