so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
