so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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