Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If I die, sorry about rent.