Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.