no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
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I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
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I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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