im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
A bitchslap is in order.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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