just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
