If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
