the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
