don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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