It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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