do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
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