You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My feet surprised me
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
