Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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