I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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