I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
