Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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