After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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