I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
