You just made me feel so damn special
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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