I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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