The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I don't deserve a penis
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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