Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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