Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
